If I'm crazy … what does that say about him?

Hello lovelies.

I took a week long vacay to the west coast last week to go "find myself." In reality, I managed to goof off for a week and see my ex-boyfriend for much needed "closure" (more on that story at another time). So basically, I got nothing done except put myself through an emotional roller coaster. Oh joy. But-- I did spend a week in sunny San Diego, now how could one go wrong with Southern California?

So let's play catch up. Right before I left-- I got a delivery at work …

The card reads: "They didn't have an I'm sorry Card."

Yes, they are from R. Let's pick up from where we left off …

So after he left my place that day-- I couldn't calm down. Who the hell is Molly?! How do I confront him about Molly? I can't tell him I went through his phone-- why did I go through his phone? I seriously have major trust issues. Why must I find the need to go through guys' phones? Did I not learn from the past? I mean if you go looking for dirt, you're gonna find dirt-- right?  Maybe I should go talk to someone about my trust issues … I wonder if my insurance covers it?

To some up what happened over the following days-- I went bat shit crazy on the guy. I questioned, accused, re-questioned, and re-accused him of seeing other people. I apologized, but then continued to question him. No where did I mention that I knew about Molly-- because then I would have to admit that I looked through his phone. And that will definitely send him running for the hills. So finally after a day or so of going back and forth-- we talked. Like adults. He was having a bad week, and my accusations were adding to his bad week. I admitted that I have major trust issues. 

In the midst of going back and forth.

Me: I hope this doesn't change us seeing each other. I'd like to get to know you. I just come from a past that isn't exactly pretty.

R: This doesn't change us seeing each other. But I am going to tell you something, and please take it very literal. Do not punish me for the things that someone else did. I have trust issues too-- I definitely don't come from a pretty past. My ex-wife cheated on me. And then the girl that I got serious with after cheated on me. But I would never punish you for the things that they did. But I also understand that trusting someone you don't know well is very hard.

Me: Well, damn what the hell is wrong with you? Why did they both cheat on you? You're right. I shouldn't punish you for something someone else did. 

R: Okay then, you're good?

Me: Yes, I'm good. Are you good?

R: I will be. Just give me a day to calm down from this week's shenanigans. I've just been having a bad week. But after I calm down, I'll be good-- and I won't act like an asshole anymore.

Me: Yeah, please don't be an asshole.

R: Let me tell you the pros and cons about dating me. Con- I'm an asshole. Pro- I'm your asshole.

Me: That's annoyingly cute. He's my asshole <3

ACT 1: SCENE I:

Haven't heard from him in 24 hours. Checks his tinder-- he's been active! You've got to be kidding me. Asshole. That's it, I'm going to the rock climbing gym. Blow off some steam. 

Rock climbing gym. Rounding a corner while sending a text to one of my girlfriends about how much of an asshole R is. Something is casting a shadow on me.

Me: *looks up from screen*
R: Hey sunshine.
Me: *deer in highlights look* 
R: Hey …
Me: *puts phone behind my back* Uh. Er. Hello. I'm gonna go climbing with my friends. Catch you later.
*scurries off* 



ACT 1: SCENE II:
Later at the climbing gym. R walks over to me.
R: Hey. *tries to give me a kiss*
Me: No way, I'm so mad at you.
R: What, why?
Me: I don't want to talk about it right now.
R: *kisses me anyway* We'll talk later. Over pizza.


ACT 2: SCENE I:
Late night pizza place. Stuffing my face with japaleno poppers.
Me: Are you dating other people?
R: No, I'm not dating other people.
Me: Do you want to date other people?
R: No I do not want to date other people. I like you. I want to see where things go with you.
Me: Hrmm…
R: Are you going to tell me why you're upset?
Me: I'm mad because I haven't heard from you all day. Seriously, did I just say that out loud? 
R: I thought we agreed that I was going to take a day to calm down. Isn't this what I'm doing? Doing something that we agreed on?
Me: Damn it. This makes me sound so needy. Yea.
R: Okay then, so why else are you mad?
Me: You told me you got off Tinder, and you didn't. Seriously? That's the best I could come up with.
R: I did? When?
Me: Saturday.
R: The same Saturday that you had to carry me out of the bar because I was so drunk? That Saturday?
Me: Yes. You took what he said when he was piss drunk to heart. Smart.
R: Okay then. *takes out phone and deletes Tinder app* I said that I deleted it, and now I'm deleting it. I'm sorry.
Me: And I'm really upset because you said that you wanted to take a day to calm down- and you did. You didn't text me at all, yet could find the time to go on Tinder. Damn it, that sounds even more crazy when I say it out loud.
R: That's a legit reason to be upset. I'm sorry. I messed up. Expect I'm sorry flowers soon.

And VOILA- I get a delivery the next day.


Fast forward 2 weeks- post west coast vacay-- yesterday. We talked just about every day while I was gone. He reiterated the fact that he really likes me, and never passed an opportunity to tell me he missed me.



ACT 3: SCENE 1:
Midnight, my dining room, post crab cake dinner, post bottle and a half of wine, a few deep conversations about each of our past-- Dobie Gray's "Drift Away" playing in the background.
R: *grabs my hand and pulls me up for a dance*
Me: *smiles and pulls him closer* Is there 2 of him? I had way too much wine.
R: I'm broken …
Me: Do you think you can be pick up the pieces?
R: I think so.
Me: *smiles*
R: I really like you. You mean more to me than you think. You're the first girl who hasn't tried to fix or change me. You're direct-- you're passionate. I've washed my hands of the rest. I really do like you and I want to see where this goes.
Me: *drunkly smiles*


ACT 4: SCENE I:
9am, I walk over to unplug his phone from the charger to plug my phone in. I'm determined to not go through his phone. I unplug his phone, his screen lights up. 

Molly: Hope you have a wonderful rainy day!

You've got to be fucking kidding me.


ACT 4: SCENE II:
R is getting ready to leave.
Me: I'm going to ask you this one more time. Are you dating other people?
R: I am not dating other people.
Me: I went to unplug your phone to plug mine in. And I saw a message from Molly. I also saw messages from Molly on Halloween when you left your phone out. (Ok- that's a total lie. I went through his phone, but I'm not going to confess to that.)
R: Come here. I'm not dating anyone else. Ok?
Me: Did you mean what you said last night? Do you even remember?
R: I wasn't drunk, and yes I meant what I said. And I'm not dating anyone else, ok?
Me: Okay. Have a good day.

Who the fuck is MOLLY?!

This is going to eventually end horribly … but it's going to be a damn good ride.

My tinder shenanigans began again about 3 weeks ago-- currently, my record is 0-2 on tinder relationships. I've learned about the "3 Time Rule"-- if you do something 3 times with the same outcome …  perhaps you should have stopped after the 1st time. 

Left, left, left, oh he's cute-- right, left, left, right, right, left, oh's he looks like my ex--LEFT, oh look he has a dog-- that means he's sensitive and is ready for marriage and a house in the suburbs-- SUPER RIGHT-- wait how does this super like button work anyway?

A couple matches here, a few "hey how's it going?" there, a couple more flirty pick up lines, and of course--

I definitely give this dude some credit. I did chuckle, a lot . *chest bump*

As I'm swiping, I come across a picture of a guy laying with his dog-- the tattoo on right arm catches my attention. Seems interesting enough, every girl likes a bad boy with tattoos. Let's look some more. He's outdoorsy, he hikes, he's easy on the eyes, and low and behold-- he's a climber. He's 33-- and the words he chose to describe himself in 500 characters is, "Don't waste my time with "watch me on webcam" I'm just going to unmatch you." Cute, arrogant, and he can spell. I think I found a winner. RIGHT!

We strike up a conversation- from what we had in store for weekend, to climbing, to the fact that he doesn't like pumpkin spice lattes-- or pumpkin anything for the matter. Hey, you can't have everything. For the next few days, we became pen pals. We'd ask how each other's days were going, and if one of us had something going on-- the other would ask about it. We decided we'd meet up for drinks that Thursday-- and the conversations kept flowing. 

R and I met up at a patio bar around 9-ish. He got there before I did and was already sitting at a hightop having a beer when I got there. I walked over, he stood up to greet me with a crooked grin and the only thing that ran through my head was, "This is eventually going to end horribly, but it's going to be a damn good ride."  He's just that guy. The one with the perfectly imperfect hair, a smile that hides mysterious tales, and eyes that will pierce right through you. 

Needless to say, our first date was incredible. We talked and laughed over a couple of beers. Attached to the patio bar was human sized checkers, chess, and Jenga. He self proclaimed Jenga King- so I wanted to give him a run for his money. We cheered and taunted each other, all in-between passionate kisses. I normally do not kiss on the first date, but sometimes-- you gotta break the rules. Live a little right?

I learned he's 1 of 5 children, former military, has lived and climbed all over the world, currently in school for environmental science, and is also a cross-fit coach. *drools*

3 days later, we meet at a bookstore/restaurant/bar in the city for our 2nd date. Another incredible date in the books (no pun intended). Dinner, books, a walk around the city, drinks, and a conclusion that we both want to spend the rest of the night together. 

(*Disclaimer-- This is the first time that I've been on my own, in my own place. Up until this point, I haven't brought a guy to my place that I wasn't exclusively seeing. There was only my ex, but my place was still under construction with heaps of dust and no furniture. And I wanted to do it, something that I can check off the list of things you should do in your 20's. Bring a guy home.)

ACT I: Scene 1

Standing on the sidewalk-- kissing and giggling.

Me: So where do want to go? Another drink? Walk some more?

R: We can do either- all I know is that I want to spend the rest of the night with you.

Me: Smooth buddy. Oh yeah?

R: Yes.

Me: errr… uhhh … hmmm .. errr…. what the heck do I do? Should I? Should I not? Is he looking to just hook up? 

R: Tell me what you're thinking.

Me: Damn it- I hate that I'm that readable. Well, I just need to ask you something then.

R: Tell me.

Me: Are you looking to just hook up and have fun? Oh my gosh, did I just say that out loud? I didn't have that much to drink …

R: Legit question. No, I'm not looking to just hook up.

Me: Of course you're gonna say that. Errr … uhhh … hmmm… errr … my mother would kill me if she found out.

R: It's up to you. I'll be okay with anything. *kisses my forehead*

Me: errr … uhhh … hmmm… errr … get a freakin' hold of yourself. You're a grown ass woman, and if you want to do something… do it. YOLO.

R: *smiles*

Me: Do you have a coin? I can't believe I'm doing this.

R: Seriously? … Yeah, I do.

Me: Heads is a yes, tails is a no. I can't believe that I'm using a coin to decide how my Saturday night is going to end. 

R: *Flips a quarter*

Heads.

END SCENE

ACT II: Scene 1

3 days later, 9 o'clock in the evening, my kitchen, with Ben E. King's- 'Stand By Me' on in the background.

Me: You bought me a spatula?

R: You told me you didn't own one.

Me: I don't think my house has ever smelled this good. Finally, my kitchen is being used.

R: Steps over and kisses me. Dinner will be ready soon. You want to set the table and bring the wine over?

Me: Absolutely. He's standing in my kitchen- in his gym clothes- with his perfectly imperfect hair- cooking me dinner-- singing and smiling. Is this the way it works? I could have sworn I'd never see him again. What does this mean?

END SCENE

ACT III: Scene 1:

3 days after that, Halloween night, a Cuban restaurant in the city, I'm dressed as a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, 6 people sitting at a table with mojitos in hand.

R: This is my sister Karen**, her boyfriend, and Karen's friends.

Me: *shakes everyone hand* Nice to meet everyone.

Karen: You're a Starbucks cup-- too cute!

I met his sister, exactly 1 week after I took him home. What does this mean?

END SCENE

ACT III: Scene 2:

Later on in the night, at another bar. Random guy walks into the bar with a supposedly super wicked costume, because all the testosterone in the room goes crazy.

R: You don't know who that guy is? I'll show you. Pulls out his phone and half covers the screen. Types in his password. Password memorized. There's a text on there that is from Molly. Quickly closes the text. Shows me who super wicked costume guy's character is.

Me: Acts mildly interested in what he's showing me. Its past midnight- who is texting him at this time?

R: I'm going to go outside for a smoke. Puts his phone back inside jacket pocket. Leaves jacket with me. Half the table goes for a smoke. The remaining are on their phones.

Me: Timing couldn't be more perfect. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. But those 4 drinks I just had are telling me other wise. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't it.

Molly: Lol. Have a good Halloween.

Scroll up, skim, skim, scroll up. If he walks back in and sees what I'm doing …

Molly: What are you doing tonight?

R: I'm hanging out with my sister. 

Scroll, scroll, scroll.

R: Stuck in traffic. I'll cook for you Monday night.

What the fuck?! Is he some sort of traveling chef?!

Puts phone back.

END SCENE

ACT III: Scene 3:

On the way back to my place after parting ways with his sister and friends. His sister and I exchanged phone numbers.

Me: R, what are you doing on Monday night? Totally taking advantage of his drunkenness. 

R: Uh school, work, maybe busy? Why?

Me: Nothing, nevermind.

R: No, tell me.

Me: Just wanted to see if you wanted to do something. But if you're busy-- no worries.

R: I can definitely try to make that work.

Me: So, R- can I ask you something? 

R: Yup.

Me: Are you just looking to hook up and have fun? Or are you looking to see where this goes and what potential it has?

R: The latter of the 2.

Me: Hmmm. Are you seeing other people? That's fine if you are. I think I may be catching feelings- so if you are-- then I'll act accordingly.

R: No, I'm not. I like you- a lot. And I want to continue spending time with you. I'm a simple man- I don't spend time with people I don't want to be around. And if you haven't noticed, I deleted my Tinder account.

Me: You did? When? What, you're gonna decide between me and Molly?

R: A few days ago.

Me: Mmmhmm. Noted. Let me know by Monday morning if you still want to do something.

R: Of course.

Why did I go through his phone?! Now I'm going to want to check it again. And see if he follows through on Monday. Damn it.

END SCENE

ACT IV: Scene 1

Last night, 9 o'clock, my kitchen, Sam Cooke's- 'Wonderful World' on in the background.

R: Come smell this. Stirs the pot of red vodka sauce.

Me: Walks over for a sniff. Oh my gosh. I think I found nirvana.

R: Kisses me on the forehead. Dinner is ready. Smiles and brings the bowls to the table. Grab the wine.

END SCENE

ACT V: Scene 1

6:30am alarm rings. He hits snooze. 6:35 alarm rings. Snooze again. 6:40 alarm rings. He gets up, kisses me, and puts his phone back on the nightstand.

Me: Do you want coffee?

R: That would be great. Water starts in the bathroom.

Me: Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. 

First text on his list of messages: Molly.

Molly: Italian!!

Scroll, skim, scroll, skims. Sunday night. Something that seems like a family emergency on Molly's side. 

R: It will be alright. It's important that you're with your family.

Scroll, skim, scroll.

R: I thought you were coming home Monday or Tuesday.

Molly: Maybe Tuesday, definitely not tomorrow.

Scroll, skim, scroll.

Molly: I'm so hungover.

Shit, did the water shut off? No, no it's still on. Scroll back down. Scroll, scroll, scroll.

R: So hungry.

Molly: Do you have food at home?

R: I'm having dinner with my sister tonight.

Molly: Have a good dinner with your sister!

Water shuts off.

Puts phone back on nightstand.

ACT V: Scene 2

10 minutes later, pouring his coffee into a tumbler. Why did I look through his phone? Instant regret. He didn't lie to me. He lied to her. Didn't he tell me that he was hanging out with his sister last week sometime? Why can't he just tell me the truth? Should I keep seeing him? Arms distance?

R: Kisses my forehead.

Me: I leave next week to go out west. Am I going to see you before then?

R: What day do you leave? 

Me: Tuesday.

R: Definitely. Of course.

Me: Hands him his coffee, smiles. Have a great day today.

END SCENE

**names have been changed, except for clever Orion.

Guess who's back … back again … yeah she's back … tell a friend.

… guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back. (Thanks Slim Shady.)

Why hello again lovelies. You guessed it … I am back-- for good. Which means yet another failed relationship is under my belt and I'm once again on the bathroom floor crying butt naked. I'm actually sitting very comfortably on my brand new couch in my brand new condo, butt naked. #imabigkidnow 

… with yet another failed relationship.

2 and 1/2 years ago, I began my dating blog to share my experiences of kissing frogs all along the way to finding my Prince charming. (You can see my very first post right below this one. I've taken down the other posts for the time being-- but will be incorporating them back into the blog when appropriate.) I was 23, a few months shy of 24. I would love to say that so much has changed for me in the love department in the last 2 and 1/2 years-- that I found Mr. Right, we fell in love, he moved in, proposed, and now we're planning a wedding for the spring. But it hasn't-- except for the fact that now there's a "Super Like" button on Tinder.

I still live by Kyoko Escamilla's words,

"Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground."

But as I've officially entered the later part of my twenties- 26 to be exact- I start to wonder-- Does Mr. Right truly exist? Is there a Mr. Right, or does it all come down to Mr. Compatible?

After re-reading my first blog post, I can't help but chuckle at myself just a little over 2 years ago. I want to tell her-- buckle your seatbelt hun, it'll be a bumpy ride but it'll be so much fun. (And offer some well needed advice.)

A letter to my 23 year old self:

Hey sweets, it's me. Your older more wise 26 year old self who drinks rosé out of a crazy straw. The next two years is going to fly by. Time flies when you're having fun kiddo. Here's some tips that help you get through.

• Put the cheez-itz down. You'll regret all 56 boxes. I promise.
• The next guy you date is not going to be the one, neither is the next one, or the one after that. You'll break one of their hearts into a million pieces. And one of them will stomp on yours.
• Don't stop rock climbing. You're going to see views that will literally take your breath away.
• Get a credit card that will give you points for airlines. You'll get this amazing idea-- you'll want to see 30 countries by 30 … and you're on your way.
• Don't be scared to travel alone.
• Start collecting home decorating ideas-- you'll be on your own soon enough. (You'll always love pink.)
• Continue using anti-wrinkle cream.
• Be so grateful for your friends and family. No guy could hold a candle up to how much your family and friends love you. So if you need to choose between spending a Sunday afternoon with your family and friends or a guy-- always pick them.
• Long distance relationships don't work- for you. It will take a few for you to realize this- but the last one … you'll confirm that there's no way you can do it. No matter how much you adore him.
• That quote about your 20's that you live by … it'll be the 500 character count that you put on your Tinder profile.

It's a lot, I know. But you'll be just fine. Oh and one more thing-- DON'T GO SNOOPING THROUGH GUYS PHONES. You're not gonna like what you see.

xoxo

Your 26 year old self

PS. Stay tuned for the dating shenanigans. And you thought the last time I blogged was funny ...